When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.