cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
You Might Also Like
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.