Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me irl
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Is your wife single?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Thrilling chase underway
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.