This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission