Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.