Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
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If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”