Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
This hospital has everything
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up