Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”