I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers