my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
A drum solo but on your face.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Meat Cute
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.