Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄