I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.