Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
HELP 😭
Yoga Matt
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?