person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.