You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
You Might Also Like
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why I divorced her.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally