[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Mornin. * use accordingly
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird