*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that