You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.