Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone