I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
yes… yes…
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh