When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
best review i’ve ever seen
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no