*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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In Canada they just call them geese
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Botany good plants lately?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR