Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My dad is at it again
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]