Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶