I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..