getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.