[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
why no one uses midhusbands
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some