[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”