One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
yeah 😭
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
the red hot silly peppers
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No