We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”