Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”