I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish