me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Choose your fighter!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
😅🤣😂
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.