People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway