How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Mood.. 😂
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Stonehinge
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.