They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now