Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?