My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
describing stardew valley
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.