hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*