Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Oh hi lol