WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Self-cleaning conscience
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!