Your secret is safeish with me
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing