“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes