I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
You Might Also Like
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!