“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Easy enough.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.