[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
That’s amazing.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.