Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
fly smarter, not harder
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree