*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.