*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Fights fire with marshmallows
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.