Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.